


keep the old

by gravityinglass



Series: Life and Times of Marcia Staal [3]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: F/F, Gen, Staal no longer looks like a name to me at this point, discussion of miscarriage depression and other issues, snapshot of life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-10 16:31:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15953213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravityinglass/pseuds/gravityinglass
Summary: The Staal siblings come home, dragging their year along behind them.





	keep the old

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little coda to my long Marcia Staal fic, but if you don't feel like reading 60k, all you need to know is that Marcia Staal was one of the first women drafted into the NHL, and her wife Lindsay suffered a miscarriage two years into Marcia's career.
> 
> This fic deals with some sensitive topics, including Jordan Staal's recent loss of his infant daughter Hannah. It's a snapshot of life of four siblings coming home and discussing the shitty things that happened in the last year, and seeking comfort in each other.

Marcia has always believed there are two types of reactions when bad news comes. Either you freeze and stand firm to survive it, or you roll with the punches and hope whatever you do doesn't make the situation worse. She's witnessed it more than a few times, unfortunately--bad news has visited the extended Staal family more than once.

When this particular bad news hits, Marcia is busy trying to shred every team on the west coast with the force of her annoyance. She curses her way down the Western Seaboard, and sends about a million texts.

Lindsay, meanwhile, bundles up all three of the kids and takes the first flight down to Carolina.

“I have all five,” Lindsay says over FaceTime, when she and Marcia are finally able to align schedules. She looks exhausted, but that's been her default setting since Jack's birth. “The Wards are helping, some of the other WAGS. There's a schedule somewhere with dinners coming in. Heather and Jordan are--” she sighs, the sound crackly. “They're handling it, for whatever measure of handling you wanna imply.”

“I'd imagine.” Marcia rolls over on her hotel bed in her single; the luxury of being a senior player. “How are--”

“The funeral arrangements?”

“I was going to ask after the girls, actually,” Marcia says dryly. “But sure, tell me about those.”

“I don't actually know. Your mom and Heather's mom are handling those. The girls are--” Lindsay shrugs. A few strands of hair have slipped loose from her bun. “They're happy to see Anna and Emily. Jack confuses them. They keep asking where Hannah is, so it's not sunk in yet that Hannah's not coming home.”

“Has anyone told them?”

Lindsay shrugs again. “We've tried, but--they're so used to Jordan leaving and coming back again.” She sighs and goes to tuck her hair back up. “And they're so young that it's hard to say  _ your sister died  _ outright.”

Marcia rests her head on her free hand, watching the screen tiredly. “I hate that they have to learn about death so young.”

“Sometimes that’s the way it goes,” Lindsay murmurs. “Quick, tell me something good before one of the five starts crying again.”

“This too shall pass?” Marcia says dryly. “We kicked the Kings’ asses from here to next Tuesday. I got the email that our next shipment of diapers for Jack is on its way, and they’ve included a free disposable changing mat.”

“Oh, baby, talk dirty to me. Tell me all about your competency with poopsplosions.”

Marcia laughed, so glad that this was who she’d chosen to spend her life with. She was equally grateful for this moment of lightness, too, when Lindsay didn’t look so old and tired.

\--

Jordan had helped Lindsay and Marcia with their third and hopefully final child, on purpose. Then, not on purpose, Heather had gotten knocked up as well. Marcia had found it hilarious; Jordan was getting the ribbing of a lifetime for having two baby mamas. Mostly, though, everyone was thrilled to have another set of additions to the family. With Jared’s twins, that brought the number of Staal grandchildren up to ten.

Jack had been born healthy and whole. Lindsay swore it was her worst labor; Jordan flew out a week later and met baby Jack after playing Marcia in New York.

They'd gotten news about the same time that Hannah wasn't doing so well.

That was just the beginning of the whole year going to shit.

\--

Summer is normally a good time for Marcia. She’s not thrilled to be playing golf instead of hockey, but she appreciates spending time with the babies, and actually seeing Lindsay on a daily basis, and the annual Staal family reunion.

Marcia travels enough for work that the thought of traveling  _ more _ for vacation is a little painful, but knowing she’ll have a week with her parents, brothers, and niblings kind of makes it worth it.

Lindsay pushes her sunglasses up on top of her head. Jack is snoozing against her chest in his carrier. “We have everything?”

“Suitcases, filled with clothes, toiletries, and Anna’s favorite bunny slippers. Diaper bag for Jack. Diaper bag for Emily. Backpack for Anna. Why did we have three kids in five years, again?”

“Because kids are great,” Lindsay says. “And at least we have the excuse of planning.”

“Fair. Okay. Purse for you. Messenger bag for me. Breast pump, because breast is best. Tickets, passports, residency cards--why did we have to get our kids dual citizenship, Lindsay, it's so much paperwork--spare changes of clothes for the kids, phone chargers, plane bribery materials to keep our kiddos from screaming, I think we're good to go.”

“Pads?”

“Breastfeeding or menstruation?” Marcia asks. “Breastfeeding pads in diaper bag, and I've got pads and tampons in my messenger bag.”

“Then we're good to go.” Lindsay leans over and kisses Marcia quickly, a light brush of lips. “You called the cab?”

“Should be here in the next five minutes.”

The rest of the day is a hazy blur of managing three kids and their flights, weaving their way through airport traffic and reminding the kids they don't need anything from duty-free. Marcia also reminds Lindsay they don't need anything from duty-free, not even the massive bottle of whiskey she’s eyeing after their oldest nearly takes down a perfume display.

They get into Thunder Bay mid-afternoon and pick up their rental car. It's a minivan for the first time since they've been coming to these reunions; with Jack now, they need the space for three car seats.

If Marcia is right, they'll be among the earlier arrivals to the reunion. They wanted an extra day to get the kids settled before all the cousins descended; Lindsay is a master planner at this now.

Marcia is surprised at the number of cars in their parents’ driveway, but when she adds it up in her head she figures she must be the last of their sibling quartet to arrive. Lindsay's half-sheepish expression confirms it.

They start unloading the kids, and someone in the house must notice their presence, because the front door is swinging open and Jordan is there, looking barely less haggard than he has since the loss of his daughter.

Marcia’s seen Jordan since then, of course she has. But it had always been in passing, Jordy bearing the weight of the C for away games.

Now, Jordan looks better, if only just. He's still lost weight, but all of them have, at the end of the season. Marcia puts Emily down and goes to greet him. Emily toddles along behind her and goes to tackle Jordan's younger daughter.

Marcia brings Jordan in for a long, clinging hug.

“Hey, Mars,” he murmurs, tucking his head into her neck. “God.”

“How you holding up?” she asks, first thing.

“Mother’s day was hard. Abbey and Lolly helped, though. We’re coping.” His arms flex like he was struggling not to hug her tighter. “God. It's like 2007 all over again.”

“You and Heather are doing much better than Lindsay and I did.”

“We’re older, is all.” He pulls back, and Marcia can see the tight lines by his eyes. “Eric’s been mother-henning from Minnesota. I think he bribed Skinner to body check me at practices when I got distracted.” Jordan grimaces, and Marcia knows the end of season trades must have been another emotional blow for Jordan to weather.

She forces a sympathetic smile. “Sounds like Eric. Jared hasn't been text bombing you?”

“Jared just had twins. I don't think he even remembers he  _ has _ a phone.”

“Well, remember how you were when you first became a parent? Double that for Jarjar.”

Jordan winces. “Fair play. Come on, Mama’s been wanting to see you, and it'll be nice for her to worry over someone else for a bit.”

\--

It's good to be home again, even if the four of them haven't lived here in over a decade. Mama does worry over them, and Eric gets into an argument with their dad that's less an argument and more an annual tradition at this point. The kids relish seeing their cousins, and Marcia feels some of the hurt of the last year slough off her spine.

It ends up being the four of them on the deck. Marcia would bet just about anything that someone had ensured they’d get this moment of sibling time uninterrupted.

The kids are all inside watching a movie.  _ Up _ , if Marcia recognizes the dialogue drifting through the open door. Marcia isn’t entirely sure where the assortment of wives and parents had gone off to, and doesn't particularly care to ask.

“I don't think I've got long left,” she says after taking a long pull of beer. “I'm the last of the old guard on the Rangers. Don't know if I could play in any other colors.”

Jared makes an understanding noise.“Concussions catching up to you?”

“And the eye, and the knee, and the getting old. There's only so much of me they can replace before I'm entirely bionic.”

“Aww,” Jared says. “You're irreplaceable to us.”

Marcia shoves him and his folding chair over. He goes down cackling. It's good to see him laughing--they spent far too long seeing him sulk and simmer, and fall away from all of them.

“Dunno where I'll be after my contract with the Wild is up,” Eric muses. “Boys are getting older.”

“I'll be in Carolina ‘til they kick me out,” Jordan adds. “It's a different team than you left, Icky.”

Jared pushes himself up onto his elbows, not bothering to get back up on his chair. “I like coaching. I'll go wherever it takes me.” He shrugs loosely and stretches his legs out. “Playing was good, but this--it's nice to be good at something the rest of you haven't done yet.”

“Even in Edmonton?” Jordan teases.

“Even in Edmonton.”

“Your brain must be broken to actually want to live in that wasteland,” Eric chirps.

“My brain probably works better than Mars’ brain,” Jared says cheerfully. “I love my antidepressants, okay, they're a wonderful thing. I never knew it could feel like this.”

Marcia quirks a half smile. She--and Eric and Jordan, she’s sure--still feels guilty that it had taken Jared so long to realize he had anxiety and depression, not just an inadequacy complex from not succeeding as much as the rest of them.

After a minute of quiet, Marcia asks “can you believe we’re all parents? God, who thought it was a good idea to give any of us kids?”

“They're all doing ok,” Eric says mildly. “Parker is learning French, even.”

“Jack tried to fit his whole hand in his mouth and realized he has teeth now,” Marcia says flatly.

“Hannah’d be about five months now,” Jordan says quietly. The tone shifts immediately. “How old would Sammy be, now?”

Marcia pauses. “Eleven, I think. 2007.”

“You think he and Hannah found each other?”

Eric is watching their interplay with this look on his face. Jared has his head tipped back to the sky.

“Sammy’s already got Hannah in skates,” Marcia says. “I bet anything.”

Jared took a deep, shaky breath. “God. What a year.”

“May next year be kinder,” Eric murmurs. “For all of us.”

Eric will never not be her older brother, and he’ll probably never stop wanting to protect all of them with every beat of his heart. There had never been a time when Marcia’s faith in him had been shaken. That didn’t do much to stop Eric from trying to prove himself. He’s 33 and still determined to be everyone’s knight in shining armor. Marcia knows that sometimes Eric looks at her and sees her crying on the floor of a locker room in Carolina, and he can't quite push the image away.

Jordan will never not ache for the loss of Hannah in the same way Marcia will never not ache for the loss of Sammy. But he was smiling again, now, had held Jack and learned to cry freely with the fresh loss. He would never not wake up with that loss in his chest, and there would always be that wonder of who his daughter  _ could _ have been. Marcia ached, knowing he had to walk this road alone, and that he would have to heal step by painful step.

Jared will never not be the baby, the shadow, the one who never made it as far. Marcia will always wish she could have protected him more, had left him less of a legacy to drown in. He’d found his way, eventually, without any of them--but it was still hard to not see their name as anything but a millstone around his neck. She wonders what he would have been if he could have been anything if their skill before him hadn’t given him false hope.

As for Marcia herself, she will never not be the female Staal, the daughter, the sister, the lesbian. She would never not stand out in a family photo or on a team roster. She would never shake Eric’s overprotectiveness, Jordan’s grief, or Jared’s resentment. Those were their crosses to bear.

But here, on the deck in Thunder Bay, it was a little easier to carry that load, the weight spread between the four of them.

“To a better year,” Marcia murmurs, and raises her beer.

Her brothers echo it back, and she hopes somewhere out there the universe is listening.

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on tumblr at satellitesandfallingstars!


End file.
